Purposes & Surprises

Both are perhaps my least favourite words ever. I detest purposes and surprises from the top and bottom of my heart. Somehow being in total control or not being in control at all doesn't appeal to me much. I like having a little control and then again expect life to continue to surprise me. Makes sense?
Not to me.
The year ends. Somehow I've no memory of living 365 days a 100% this year. Perhaps I slept away some weeks or probably I was in comatose.
Time flies. I know that. Somehow this year flew a bit too fast for me. And to be completely truthful I've done nothing worth mentioning this year (as if I do every year). LOL!

This year has given me a lot of things that I don't know how to reciprocate to. The only memorable things this year (not in any order) includes my trip to Digha, my Christmas holiday at Pedong, the college fest, tripping for the first time, my birthday at the hostel (real surprise there), amongst the little memories with my friends. :D Even if fate thinks otherwise, somehow my friends and I always manage to spice up our lives. A lil tweaking and we're ON. <3

Every little thing counts. But not so much that you don't move on. Somehow "selective memory" becomes a hard reality for me now. But the whole purpose is perhaps to go ahead and let life surprise me....erm may be not so much.
I don't mind the happier surprises :D ...it's the ugly ones I am against.

Signing off before you start grumbling. (:
Hoping you had a great year. Wishing you have been invited and dint have to buy any New Year party tickets. (this new advertisement about buying New Year party tickets at some Zomato had me cracking up like hell).
Very curious about the resolutions you're making and consequently planning on breaking :P [don't deny, been there...done that!]
And last but not the least, wishing you a blast the next year. Bye 2011.

The Past Week

On the last day in the hostel Jasmine and I were fighting over a bar of Temptation Roast Almond like two four year old kids (I doubt even they do these kind of things now) and fall apart laughing and we also promised to repeat it when we are on webcam! LOWL!
Sigh I hardly realised that I'd be home so soon. Missing you guys. <3

The last week has been a long long torture. First came the day with the 6 honours where the whole department almost died. Then there was a continuous hitting of Macbeth, Puck, Demetrius, Hermia, Dacry, Elizabeth, Banquo, Jack, Lydia and also a stream of modern realities going on. My life is currently on a path of self discovery and spiritualism. LOL. Okay! That was a PJ! :D

Long back, I had written a little article on indignation, detestation, contempt and other not so "strong" emotional words. I believe hatred, anger and love are quite "strong" words to be used in a daily basis. "I hate her", "I love you" etc would hardly hold any deeper meaning if you start quoting these everyday. Lately, I am in a fix. As in a psychological one. I don't want to hate anyone. I actually don't hate people. Its unhealthy and also a waste of energy. Yeah, don't roll your eyes. I mean it. Recently though some people in my life are acting such that my resolve may just dissolve. *shake of head*

What I don't get is WHY do people have to be so complicated? Making up stories to hide their own flaws and as a result hurting others. Or simply making up stories to hurt other people. You don't along with me, well and good. But stop trying to influence others. GOD! Some people are SO jobless and then we exclaim how we never seem to have enough time.

Back home, its a riot right now. Durga Puja's here and my mom insists that we all get up early morning as a mark of "respect" *roll eyes* My mom doesn't get the concept of atheism. She thinks I need a psychiatrist because I don't believe that the photos of the deities in our "puja" room can actually see and hear us and apparently also grant us wishes! Heh.

When Holidays Arrive...

I've always had a close friendship with holidays. Even though we did not meet for days, I loved when we did and have always enjoyed the company of my lovely lovely holidays. Needless to say my holidays and I have always shared a close and healthy relationship. Until now. Now, now, don't panic. I am still very much normal and I still love my holidays but like everything else, too much of something is a pain!

You might argue that chocolates and holidays are exceptions but I beg to differ. Even too much of chocolate is not pleasurable anymore as I found out lately and have taken a break from all things sweet. (Though my friends and I sincerely doubt the time period of this very very recent development. Read = 12 hours.) Ever since I joined college, my holidays have begun to love me a little too much. So much so that during every vacation (holidays have a nick name too! AW!) I've had since last year, (TWO) my parents have resorted to giving me strange dark looks after a mere three weeks of having me in the house. You see, my vacations, unlike normal vacations, are a tad longer. A 45 days Puja & Diwali vacation or a 3 months long summer vacation, my college is EXTREMELY generous in giving holidays.

I sometimes wish this generosity could have been put to the awarding of marks but then somethings better not even be dreamt about. >.<" Anyways, back to my vacations. So, only this April I went home despite all misgivings, carrying ALL my course books and successfully letting them collect dust till JULY, when after 3 whole months, I finally returned. Now, my holidays wouldn't have been much painful only if I had things to do you see. Even becoming a couch potato is boring after sometime. 

Writing this post with a heavy heart as yet again, my vacations begin this Sunday going on until 10th of November. I so wish my college mates lived nearer. Or atleast that my friends back home had as long vacations as mine. Sigh. One can never have everything. Even though I am happy that I am going to be home next week, eating decent food, sleeping on  MY own bed where I don't dangle from the side and using a decent bathroom; I wish my holidays wouldn't be so long.

And as a footnote, Harshita Borah, I would have happily lent you my holidays girl. Only if I could. Sigh. Only if.

The Conflict

Every one has problems in life. Love. Studies. Friends. Fashion. And every person who has a teen son/daughter in these 'troubled' years have TWO. The Internet and the phone. I know because my mom has handled me and now she's handling my sis. Sigh. I really respect her! We both are no easy teenage! My friends will vouch for that! :P

So, its my last night home. Not literally. Am coming back AGAIN for some more holidays! But that's 3 months later. Staying home made me realise that somehow I want to be with my friends at hostel and also be with my family at home. Its seriously a big conflict. Hostel. Home. Both? 


The one I miss most away from home is my mom. She is and will always be the best person of my world. Keeping it short. Will miss mom. Wish I could have the best of both worlds. Guess Hannah is the only lucky one. :(


Signing off.......bye Guwahati!

AHA!

You "tweet" on "Twitter" but you most definitely can't "twit" on "tweeter". #wordplay. Anyways, recently am having what they say as "twitter overdose" O_O tweeting every now or then! Saw #"The Social Network" again, courtesy my sister. Sometimes I think social networking is overrated. Almost everyone on #Facebook, #Orkut don't even know the meaning of the phrase social networking. And 75% people are high school English drop outs. The language and grammar.....I shudder recalling some of the messages I had received over the years online. Not that I am a genius when it comes to language but I teach a few of these a couple of things. The most common being - loose and lose!
Anyways, its been almost 3 months home and I am longing to go back to hostel. My parents could just kick me out of the house if there was no chance of being charged with domestic violence. Sigh. I wish we could donate holidays! I'd gladly donate a couple of months to anyone who needs them. Recently I'm suffering from a continuous case of depression without any viable reason.

Then I realised the reason is simple! LONELINESS! Yep its the same all around. No one has anyone to talk to anymore. Its a busy busy busy world (3 is the epic number). I seriously hope to have some mood upliftment after joining my mates in LBCH. One can hope, right? Saw Ellen Degeneres dance hip hop....talk about weird getting weirder!
Broke up with my nth bf earlier this month. Nah! Am not at all upset because of that. Its human nature - read - MY nature. I canNOT sustain a relationship EVER. Like many other genes, the relationship gene is missing from my DNA too. :| 

Its pathetic. Not my relationships. My holidays! PAY attention. I have a 5 month holiday every year. Give or take a few. Only if it were my world....!

If it were my world,
The sun would never rise.
It would always be cold and dark;
a world where time wouldn't fly.

If it were my world,
Stars would twinkle all the time.
The moon shining bright;
looking like a perfect dime.

If it were my world,
Lovers wouldn't exist.
It would be devoid of pain and pleasure;
a place where passion people can resist.

But it is not so, yes the world's not mine.
Still I hope it would be; with the passing time.




Anyways, I'll end it here today! Its getting too long anyways!

Effing much! Duh...

Every morning I wake up and go through with my day....at the end, I sigh.....what was so good about it?

Now, don't even dare to think am writing a philosophy research paper on "Happiness in life" because I am not! Take yesterday for example...neither did I turn Superwoman and save the day, nor did I win the Nobel Prize. Sigh! But that's my incompetency. When I was a kid (strange...using the past tense), I used to dream of being whisked away to Hogwarts by Hagrid....When my 11th birthday came, my parents didn't know WHY I was so upset despite having done everything they could do to make my birthday special! You see, they didn't BELIEVE  that Hagrid would come.


Soooo, I gathered I am not gonna be a witch...not a pretty good thought you know! Flying away aboard my very own Firebolt was a route...an escape route...from what I couldn't possibly tell! But it seemed a good idea that time. Seems like, it still is...may be not the Firebolt...but the running away part!


Sigh...............too many dots....indicates the recent gap I am suffering from, almost like a block! Speaking of blocks, I FINALLY overcame my reader's block AAAAANNNNDDDD finished Jeffrey Archer's False Impressions in a flat 4 hours reading session. What used to be an engaging pastime has turned into the toughest exam for me - reading! Always an avid reader, imagine my shock when I used to be staring at a page for half hour or so and realising that I've managed to read only 5 effing words!!! Being able to finish a WHOLE novel was equal to an achievement!


Achievements! Another thread.....almost everything I do nowadays feels like one! Am so exhausted all the time that even the effort of typing has become nothing short of a 'dream come true' ....Just 5 minutes back, my cousin called and made plans for dinner out tonight! Nothing new...but the very task of getting up from my comfy bed and dressing up for an outing no longer holds appeal! Sigh....guess the years are finally catching up on me! To cap it, I have to wash my hair too because I was just too lazy to do it in the morning! See, I feel like a 200 kg 80 year old lump! SIGH! I need a boost up! I need chocolate! ...........................................ummm, okay I feel better!!! Nothing like a good old bar of dairy milk !! Aaaahhhh! Chocolate is most definitely the food of the gods!


When I made this blog, I made myself promise never to hit the backspace while typing except for the usual typing mistakes....guess if I keep it up, all I will be posting is this sort of haphazard thoughts! Bah :/ who cares??? Do you?

The line....!

Often, I wonder if there is an invisible line that forbids us from wrong doing...most of us have grown up hearing the famous phrase "do not cross your limit" from our parents and I guess have wondered the same, WHAT is the limit?

Somehow my line seems a little blurred nowadays....like the distinction between scarlet and red (I am blissfully unaware of it) my sense of right and wrong gets blurred...somehow what I thought was wrong yesterday seems more and more right nowadays and the things I hoped are right seem so much like a clumsy blunder I might have made in my sleep....probably like the phone call we get in the middle of the night and we mumble a few incomprehensible words and then conveniently forgetting it the next day.

Perhaps, I am in a state of slumber .....perhaps I have always been...but it is painful to wake up. Who is the culprit? Time? Age? Emotions? Sometimes, life seems extremely stupid. The things we pay most attention to, extremely trivial. The fights we have, extremely silly. The things we buy, extremely worthless. Often, we are so swayed by our own emotions, we hardly realize the gravity of our decision. Hence takes birth REGRET...

Its strange how the things we build up for expulsion somehow always remains within. Like a mad old collector, we hungrily and almost jealously guard our sentiments. Not for selfish gain....but almost always in fear....fear of being exposed. By now, I am seriously at a loss as to where this post is going but as I said, almost everything seems to be blurred to me.

Its been a month I came home. A month my books are lying abandoned, collecting dust. A month I've been thinking.....what am I doing? what am I going to do? A month of having the novelty of a TV in my bedroom. A month. Surprising how much time I can waste by simply doing NOTHING. Nothing worth mentioning, that is.......so, my holiday mission is to somehow achieve the size of a baby...err...teen elephant.....(evident from my diet...or rather the lack of it). And guess what? I might just get that PhD degree in HARRY POTTER....I've been reading the whole series for the 150th time....this time along with fan fiction...Erm, my teacher at college told me not to use 'short paragraphs' in my answers....ruins the drama she said. Hope she doesn't mark THIS blog post! I'll be getting a zero surely. LOL.

Holidays were never nice. Its not healthy to sit idle....for me! Ridiculously weird thoughts keep haunting my brain and I keep haunting my friends asking them the weirdest questions of their life....also, holidays have always proved to be the 'self-assessment' period for me....where I keep on replaying my memories and wondering how and when and what and why they could have been different!

Ananya was right. Only the first holiday away from hostel seems fun. This one is simply dragging. I miss the hostel. Even though the food, the bathrooms, the rooms SUCK! I mean, is it ever the place? I think its the people who matter! For e.g. I'd rather die than miss my biology classes at school but I do miss my benchmates!

I think I should sign off...before I start bawling over the keyboard! Ciao!

P.S. Comments and criticism welcome! :P

This thing called "LOVE"

Love is what a mother feels for her new born child, even after a long and painful birth. When a sister runs to help her younger sibling even after a bad quarrel the night before.




Love is when a son looks forward to eating his mom's home cooked food even when he can afford 5* hotels. When a dad prays for his son's happiness even after he was abandoned in his old age.


Love is when a friend hates the person you hate even if they don't even know the culprit personally. When your plant refuses to die and bears flowers even after you forgot to water it a couple of days.

Love is when your friends plan a surprise for your birthday and you get to know about it but you go ahead and pretend to be surprised anyways. When I know writing about love has become so very common but I go ahead and publish it anyways just for the love of writing!

often...

I often wonder where I would have been if  had half the things  I had meant to do!

what if I had really exercised and lost all the extra flab?

how would my life been different?

• I would have got clothes of my size!
• I wouldn't have been falling over my OWN feet....or maybe I would have? Erm, difficult!
• I would have fitted into a rickshaw with another person.
• I wouldn't have been labelled "appy legs".

Anyways they really didn't affect me, did it? I mean I am still living without following the "PRIMARY" thingy I plan before evry holiday - lose my extra flab!

Cheers to FATTY people!

path...sigh

Seeing you, standing so far yet so near
Took me back in time.
When you'd be waiting for me
Standing just like that;
Love, adoration shining like a halo
Surrounding me in its warmth.

Yet today, I feel none of it
Even though you look just the same.
But the halo not for me
Eyes dry, throat even drier;
I try to call out to you
But the words get choked.

Because suddenly, you smile
At her, with even more adoration.
Jealously tears me up
I walk away, not really rejected;
But so very left out, so very lonely
Sadness so raw, I evade even tears.

Sorry

Sorry. I can't make everyone happy. I can't pretend that just because you don't like a movie, i'l ditch it happily too.


Can't stop talking to the people you don't talk to. Can't hate someone just because you don't like them. Can't act normally when you feel like acting normally and just accept it when you want to ignore me. 


Yeah it's distressing but I can't dance according to your tune. Can't love metal bands just because you think jazz sucks. I can't start wearing pink just because you think its hot! Can't stop loving black just because you think its goth. 


In this material world, even if its difficult to accept, I still value my immaterial emotions. Sorry. I just can't make everyone happy....