The abyss.

Darkness doesn't have a heart. Neither does it have a centre. It is like a bottomless pit without any hint of what it contains. Of all the phenomena in this mortal world, darkness is the most unfathomable. We are all dark inside. Atleast a part of us is. We venture out, looking for someone to eradicate, if not whole, atleast a part of this darkness in us. But often, even when we find someone willing to share our darkness, indulge us and love us the way we are, the darkness inside us rears its ugly head & fills our heart with doubts & questions we'd never ask otherwise. Gullible, that we are, we pay heed to these vile thoughts & discarding all that we initially felt, tightly wind up ourselves inside our shell. It's not that we don't want to be pulled out but we never really give anyone a chance to do so. And then we crib about how no one cares.

Like I'm doing now. Damn! This wasn't supposed to get personal.

I'm stuck in this abyss. Waiting for you to extend an arm. For me to grab. So that you can pull me out. Into the safety of your arms. Into the warmth of your love.

Love, maybe? Punishment, yes!

Yes. I've been stupid. Again. Duped. Again. Of course you still love her. I was just a healthy distraction. Just one more among the many others. Why didn't I see it? Because I didn't want to. Because I wanted more. More than we had decided. More than you had bargained for. You might have seemed like my white knight but your armour doesn't shine. It is rusty. Of old promises. Of memories. Your memories. I may have moved ahead but you got me stranded again. Back to square one. Ha! I'm such a fool. Such a fool. And you know what's worse? You shall come back for more. And I shall embrace you. Welcome you back. Because you see, I love you. And love is sickening. It is revolting. And yet love drives us. All of us. Your love for her. My love for him. And now, my love for you. All so sickening.

If.

If it were my world,

The sun would never rise.

It would always be cold and dark;

A world where time wouldn't fly.

If it were my world,

Stars would twinkle all the time.

The moon shining bright;

Looking like a perfect dime.

If it were my world,

Lovers wouldn't exist.

It would be devoid of pain and pleasure;

A place where passion people can resist.

But it is not so, yes the world's not mine.

Still I hope it would be; with the passing time.

Life as I see it.

Yes, the titles of my posts are usually as boring, stupid & completely irrelevant to the actual post as this one is. Obviously one cannot expect me to write about my perception of life in a mere blog post, right?

Anyway, before I completely forget about what I was going to blog about and veer off to another direction, let me begin. So, ah! Life. As I see it. Let me rewind to May 2010. I was young (er) and carefree (Yeah, I still am) not to mention a lot less stupid. Yes, I like to praise my past self, you know.

Due to inexplicable reason, I decided to veer away from science and go for English Literature for my graduation. No, I'm not about to rant on how I hate my course and teachers (which I do) nor will I be describing my favourite piece of fiction.
Today, I'm lamenting. Not my decision, but Literature. You see, two years down this course, I have, lately, begun to not only detest society but also resent art. In all forms. Yes, you read that right. I detest art now. Literature destroyed not only my ability of enjoying a piece of prose or poetry without delving into its layers, but also made me aware of how stupid humanity and our human concern about every little thing is. Also, remember, unless & until you have a super active libido and a promiscuous nature, you cannot be a man or woman of Literature.
After reading my post again, I sigh. I've been rambling again. And the literary side of me observes me, with cynical detachment. She points and laughs. We are all a part of this reality.
Yet, she chooses to be detached. Despite being a part of her, I fail. I desperately hold on to my remaining innocence. She moves ahead. I sulk. Alone, yet not quite. My detached self attached to me. Bone by bone.

The wrinkled memory.

He would always have a smile on his old wrinkled face while handing me the menu and we would share a smile, almost conspirational. At times, he'd even help me decide my order & at times, he'd ask me how my day was. We shared a special bond, this waiter and I.

And then, one not-so-fine day, he just wasn't there. I shooed away atleast 3 other waiters, hoping for my friend to turn up, in vain. There was no smiling wrinkles, no secret smirk and no one to ask me if I thought the coffee was too hot.

However, I still visit, hoping to see him just one more day, just one more time, to tell him that despite his tiny role in my life, he meant something. The old friend of mine.
You may ask why wouldn't I ask his co-workers about him and I'd tell you, I am too scared to know the answer. 

Early Mornings.

I'm not a morning person. Essentially, I can't wake up smoothly anytime before 9 and sometimes even 10 seems early. But the days where I've stayed up late (sometimes even till 7am of the next day), do I fully experience how beautiful mornings really are. Like Shelley famously said, "the morning does not rebel against dark but rather disperses it" it is fascinating to see the light slowly creeping up the night and successfully replacing it slowly and steadily.
These mornings remind me much of my Grandfather who'd always wake up at the crack of dawn till the very last day of his life at the age of 90. Mornings may not hold the same mystery and beauty as the night does for me but the chirping of birds and the warmth of early sunlight has a special magic.
Being a steadfast atheist, it is in my habits to scorn heaven, god, Satan (though he's immensely attractive) and of course hell. Even then, when the sun rises and the bright almost orange light lights up the sky, the clouds pave a way towards a castle and somehow a part of me yearns for a little heaven, of a little magic and of a few miracles in my logical and almost always practical life. Sigh. As my fellow hostel mates sleep on, I make the fruitless self promise again, "today i'll sleep the night and wake up early tomorrow".
They say tomorrow never comes and I softly respond, "Amen".

Valentines Day

Like the past two years I was again date-less this V Day! Nothing new or special, because neither do I understand the concept of celebrating love on a certain one day nor do I encourage the meaningless expenditure that comes along with it.
Additionally, its quite amusing to notice how various brands are trying to earn more profit by introducing the "Valentines Week", which includes everything under the sun including a Teddy Day (where the guy is supposed to gift a Teddy to the girl) to a Kiss Day, which no one really needs an explanation to. However, this year things were done a little differently.
The four of us, Ananya, Jasmine, Suryatrisha and I decided on the concept of a "Secret Valentine" (heavily borrowed from the concept of "Secret Santa") and became each other's Valentine. As the name says, I cannot reveal at any point of time who is my Valentine and we had to buy a secret gift for our Valentine. Needless to say, mission was only half successful and though everyone did get their gifts, we just couldn't help revealing our geniuses in buying the gifts for our "Secret Valentine"! LOL.

The gifts were just the cherry on top of a cake built by an evening full of hookahs and ice creams along with Jasmine's Strawberry Shake and hours of gossip! Go girls.

Love is in the air,
Not for a day or week.
For all the moments you spend,
For all the days you look back upon with a smile.

Signing off! Ciao!

Vapours and Smokes

In vapours and smoke, we see the world blink,
Turning unto you as you would never think.

Thinking good things make you happy and forget your fears,
Yet seeing them happen for others might bring tears.

Tears ensure you never forget old pain,
You sometimes you feel what's there to gain?

Gaining experience helps us move forward,
But somehow memories have the adamant power to pull us backwards.

Life has never been easy, nor will it ever be,
I'll never be you, nor you me.