My new address : www.melancholyinmadness.wordpress.com

December 31, 2010

Resolutions...

Every new year, I make tons of resolutions - atleast 12 (1 for every month) & end up breaking every one of them! Result? Getting depressed on 30th Dec, EVERY year [31st is fun day, can't ruin THAT :-./]....
So, this new year, I have only FOUR resolutions -
* Make NO resolutions
* Hence break NO resolutions.
* Therefore, no depression.
* Can party on 30th Dec as well.




                      Cheers! A very happy new year, with a grain of salt!

December 28, 2010

The Deadline

I am never good at deadlines. Let alone submitting a project before the last day, I hardly ever reach my classes on time.

Even though I live just 2 minutes away from college, I'm invariably late for class EVERY DAY! It doesn't matter whether it's a morning class or an afternoon one, I am ALWAYS late.

Even in relationships, I realise my mistakes a little too late. According to my ex, when I asked him the reason of our break up, ONE year later [see what I mean by TOO LATE?] he replied, "We were both at fault but you let your ego down too late."


7 months back, I shifted my base from my hometown to this noisy excuse of a city, Kolkata!

Being a Bengali, it is inevitable that I'll have many known people but the horde of relatives we have here surprised even my mom!


Most of these people don't know even of my existence but among these strangers live some really special people - my mom's family!

My maternal grandparents, my mom's elder sister, i.e. my Boro mashi, her family (mesho, dadabhai & didi) and my mom's younger sister, i.e. my Choto mashi. Being a clever woman, she hasn't married yet!

My Grandfather passed away earlier this year in March and neither I nor my mom had the chance to say goodbye living miles away. After his death, my grandma, i.e. my Dida, lost all zeal in life. She had always been a tiny yet strong woman with wonderful anecdotes. She had always been a strength for all of us, always perking us with her funny odd ways.

After arriving in Kolkata, I had the chance to meet her for about a handful of times, including my 19th birthday. But joining college, time was scarce. Before going back to Guwahati for Puja holidays, I met her once more, purely by coincidence. After holidays, I didn't have the 'time' to see her as in a cruel stab of fate, right after a few days of my arrival to Kolkata, she fell ill and had to be taken to the hospital.

1st there were exams and then stupid excuses, I never got the time to see her.

Sunday - the only possible day to see her, seemed too full suddenly.

Finally, as my Christmas holidays came nearer, I planned to visit her the first thing! But, before I could, fate played again - she passed away......

I vividly remember my mom's words as she called me, devoid of any emotion, "She's no more. I couldn't see her the last time."

Numb with shock, guilt and sadness couldn't measure up to what I was feeling. My mom, thousands of miles away couldn't see her.....but me??? What I did had no excuses. You may say its not your fault but I don't believe that. I am living in guilt.

Like with everything else, I was a little too late but this time, there was no extension. I missed this deadline.....forever.

The worst part - I know she's forgiven me.

As I stood next to her lifeless form, all I could remember was the words she used to say every time we parted, "Abar dekha hobe" [we'll meet again]

No......this time, nothing will work...I missed my deadline along with those unspoken words meant for you. All that is left now are the endless memories that live beyond deadline..........Dida, you'll be remembered. I promise.

December 25, 2010

Colourless

Passing through the alleys I see,
How all the colours fly by me.
Having the speed of wind;
They rush away leaving me colourless.

Grey are the trees, so is the sky,
So are the animals passing me by.
Not stopping even when I shout;
They rush away leaving me colourless.

Even the sunshine is not yellow,
Nor blue the water as it flows.
Same is the time I breathe in;
They rush away leaving me colourless.

Now I've forgotten what it is like,
To have red blood ooze out when pricked by a spike.
Even as I look in defeat, at it;
They rush away leaving me colourless.

December 23, 2010

The Aftermath

Sunlight seems to bright to look at;
The world seems too big to be in.
Life too long & all strengths lost,
Tears too dry to fall.

All the smiles of yesterday;
Seems a ghost now.
All the hopes and dreams of tomorrow,
Seem lost forever.

Sad I may be sounding;
But this is inevitable.
Because this is all I have,
Without the mask I lived behind.

The mask which hid my sorrows;
Which made me invulnerable.
The facade of calm, carefree life,
I tried to live.

Now, I am naked and shrivelled;
Like a decaying corpse.
Healthy from the crust,
But dead inside and lost.

This is what love did to me;
The fact I try to tell.
Without you,
I am in a living hell.

The tid-bits.

Can love be this painful? Why do we ever commit our hearts to anyone if we know that heartbreak is inevitable? I thought I was practical, intelligent & logical.

Then how is falling in love practical? How is that, even knowing he is going to break me into pieces, giving full power to him over me, logical? How is shedding billions of tears even now, when I know that everything is lost, intelligent?

Giving someone the supremacy in your life can only bring you pain. Thinking that the one you care about cares the same way about you is completely illogical.

Times change, people too change. It may sound very cynical, but I can never believe that love lasts forever, true or truer or truest.

Affection dies out. Happy endings are only for the mushy Mills & Boon novels. After a couple of months, even years, the novelty of falling in love dies out.

How can we claim to know someone totally? How can anyone be sure of someone else’s innermost thoughts? How can a person know that someone loves them and will love them forever?

How can anyone be that naïve?

Love hurts badly. It breaks your heart into little pieces & if that weren’t enough, it breaks your sanity ten times more.

Worse? It doesn’t let go. You keep on loving that person even if it were months since your break-up. You plead, cry but nothing works.

You put up a brave face, smile, tell everyone, ‘love’s crap’. Is it really? Or are you so bruised that even the word ‘love’ brings up bile to your throat?

Worst? You keep on wishing he would come back, set everything right, kiss you and make up for all the hurt.

That doesn’t happen. You heal, slowly, but atleast you heal.

Then suddenly someone else opens those old wounds by telling a little fact or fiction of the past. All the efforts of healing go up in smoke.
Everything seems suffocating. Taking a fresh gulp of air seems to take too much effort.

Smiling seems like a chore, laughing a pain.
Is this what love is supposed to be?
This suffocation, this pain……it’s unbearable!

THANKS for teaching me a lesson.