The line....!

Often, I wonder if there is an invisible line that forbids us from wrong doing...most of us have grown up hearing the famous phrase "do not cross your limit" from our parents and I guess have wondered the same, WHAT is the limit?

Somehow my line seems a little blurred nowadays....like the distinction between scarlet and red (I am blissfully unaware of it) my sense of right and wrong gets blurred...somehow what I thought was wrong yesterday seems more and more right nowadays and the things I hoped are right seem so much like a clumsy blunder I might have made in my sleep....probably like the phone call we get in the middle of the night and we mumble a few incomprehensible words and then conveniently forgetting it the next day.

Perhaps, I am in a state of slumber .....perhaps I have always been...but it is painful to wake up. Who is the culprit? Time? Age? Emotions? Sometimes, life seems extremely stupid. The things we pay most attention to, extremely trivial. The fights we have, extremely silly. The things we buy, extremely worthless. Often, we are so swayed by our own emotions, we hardly realize the gravity of our decision. Hence takes birth REGRET...

Its strange how the things we build up for expulsion somehow always remains within. Like a mad old collector, we hungrily and almost jealously guard our sentiments. Not for selfish gain....but almost always in fear....fear of being exposed. By now, I am seriously at a loss as to where this post is going but as I said, almost everything seems to be blurred to me.

Its been a month I came home. A month my books are lying abandoned, collecting dust. A month I've been thinking.....what am I doing? what am I going to do? A month of having the novelty of a TV in my bedroom. A month. Surprising how much time I can waste by simply doing NOTHING. Nothing worth mentioning, that is.......so, my holiday mission is to somehow achieve the size of a baby...err...teen elephant.....(evident from my diet...or rather the lack of it). And guess what? I might just get that PhD degree in HARRY POTTER....I've been reading the whole series for the 150th time....this time along with fan fiction...Erm, my teacher at college told me not to use 'short paragraphs' in my answers....ruins the drama she said. Hope she doesn't mark THIS blog post! I'll be getting a zero surely. LOL.

Holidays were never nice. Its not healthy to sit idle....for me! Ridiculously weird thoughts keep haunting my brain and I keep haunting my friends asking them the weirdest questions of their life....also, holidays have always proved to be the 'self-assessment' period for me....where I keep on replaying my memories and wondering how and when and what and why they could have been different!

Ananya was right. Only the first holiday away from hostel seems fun. This one is simply dragging. I miss the hostel. Even though the food, the bathrooms, the rooms SUCK! I mean, is it ever the place? I think its the people who matter! For e.g. I'd rather die than miss my biology classes at school but I do miss my benchmates!

I think I should sign off...before I start bawling over the keyboard! Ciao!

P.S. Comments and criticism welcome! :P

The Deadline

I am never good at deadlines. Let alone submitting a project before the last day, I hardly ever reach my classes on time.

Even though I live just 2 minutes away from college, I'm invariably late for class EVERY DAY! It doesn't matter whether it's a morning class or an afternoon one, I am ALWAYS late.

Even in relationships, I realise my mistakes a little too late. According to my ex, when I asked him the reason of our break up, ONE year later [see what I mean by TOO LATE?] he replied, "We were both at fault but you let your ego down too late."


7 months back, I shifted my base from my hometown to this noisy excuse of a city, Kolkata!

Being a Bengali, it is inevitable that I'll have many known people but the horde of relatives we have here surprised even my mom!


Most of these people don't know even of my existence but among these strangers live some really special people - my mom's family!

My maternal grandparents, my mom's elder sister, i.e. my Boro mashi, her family (mesho, dadabhai & didi) and my mom's younger sister, i.e. my Choto mashi. Being a clever woman, she hasn't married yet!

My Grandfather passed away earlier this year in March and neither I nor my mom had the chance to say goodbye living miles away. After his death, my grandma, i.e. my Dida, lost all zeal in life. She had always been a tiny yet strong woman with wonderful anecdotes. She had always been a strength for all of us, always perking us with her funny odd ways.

After arriving in Kolkata, I had the chance to meet her for about a handful of times, including my 19th birthday. But joining college, time was scarce. Before going back to Guwahati for Puja holidays, I met her once more, purely by coincidence. After holidays, I didn't have the 'time' to see her as in a cruel stab of fate, right after a few days of my arrival to Kolkata, she fell ill and had to be taken to the hospital.

1st there were exams and then stupid excuses, I never got the time to see her.

Sunday - the only possible day to see her, seemed too full suddenly.

Finally, as my Christmas holidays came nearer, I planned to visit her the first thing! But, before I could, fate played again - she passed away......

I vividly remember my mom's words as she called me, devoid of any emotion, "She's no more. I couldn't see her the last time."

Numb with shock, guilt and sadness couldn't measure up to what I was feeling. My mom, thousands of miles away couldn't see her.....but me??? What I did had no excuses. You may say its not your fault but I don't believe that. I am living in guilt.

Like with everything else, I was a little too late but this time, there was no extension. I missed this deadline.....forever.

The worst part - I know she's forgiven me.

As I stood next to her lifeless form, all I could remember was the words she used to say every time we parted, "Abar dekha hobe" [we'll meet again]

No......this time, nothing will work...I missed my deadline along with those unspoken words meant for you. All that is left now are the endless memories that live beyond deadline..........Dida, you'll be remembered. I promise.